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How to Find A Dominant

Updated: Jul 26, 2021

“How do I find a dom?" is one of the most common questions asked in the BDSM dating sites & communities across the world. Are you a submissive wanting to engage in a BDSM relationship? Countless men and women are desperate to meet a kinky and dominant partner. You have fought with submissive yearnings and maybe denied it for years. Now that you are finally ready to give it a try and make it real, the desire to find a dominant partner online to submit to can be irresistible.  However, you might have tried to be submissive to a few and had bad experiences or have heard warnings about the predators, fakes, and scammers out there. So how do you find a dominant, and how do you know when you find it?

1. Real Dominants Are Also Humans

The first thing you should know to increase your chances of finding a real dominant is understanding that they are also humans just that they want to play the dominant role. They are normal people with feelings, insecurities, failings, moods, and a finite amount of attention, time, and energy. They cannot know what you like without being told, and they also make mistakes like everybody else.  

When you view dominants as superhuman or sex monsters, it makes you set your expectations whimsically high. Also, it results in having too much faith in someone way too quickly because they view themselves as dominants.  Dominants are also people who require space to be real human beings with a full range of emotions and need. They have a different range of desires, with some wanting to elaborate rules while others like unpredictable, brutal humiliation. The feeling of dominance does not make them automatically trustworthy or competent. Also, it doesn't change the way they should interact with you. Hence, you should take your time to know them better as you do with everyone else before you get into a relationship.

2. Get To Understand Yourself

The fact that all the people who like being dominants are all humans with different attributes, the main challenge is not separating the real dominants from the fake ones. Rather, it is to find the one whose individuality is a good match to our own. To do this, you need to clearly understand what you are searching for as a submissive and what you have to offer to a dominant partner.  Ask yourself what you really want when you submit, and the more detailed and clear answer you give, the better you will be able to know the right dominant for you when they come along. 

One of the best ways to help understand what you want and what you have to offer in submission is by writing a letter to your unknown future dominant. Assume you are already in a submissive relationship with a fantastic dominant and write to them about the fetishes you are most excited to give them and what you most appreciate about them.  This way, you will be able to fill in the gaps that you can easily skip when just daydreaming about your perfect dom.

The perfect dominant partners will not just dominate you without first asking how your submission works and what you like.  However, when thinking about what you have to offer as a partner, you should think broader than just kink and sex. How you are an interesting person, have good communication skills, patience, and emotional maturity will set you apart and catch competent dominant interests. Nobody is perfect in everything; hence don’t change for someone else. Identify your values and strengths first to helps you identify a potential dominant partner who values those things.  

3. Get To Connect With People

Equipped with the knowledge of who you are and the kind of dominant you are looking for, you are ready to find the right dominant for you successfully. The best approach is to first know and connect with the perfect who will make a perfect dom and sub partnership. This will involve slowing down and getting to know potential kinky partners as people which, although it will take patience and time, it will give you the best odds in the long run.  

When you try to find an online BDSM dom or post personal ads on backpage altnernatives, you are likely to get into problems. Either you may be swamped by lots of offers from dominants that are not perfect for you, or you may not get offers at all. A lack of a personal connection causes the two situations. When all that potential partners know about you is that you seek a dominant, you will get countless offers from people seeking a submissive based on your physical appearance without caring about the personality. If you are not physically appealing, you will not get responses. 

So the best approach to find a dom is taking opportunities to know other kinky people and connect more deeply, such as seeking out munches, happy hours, and discussion groups. You can opt for online discussion groups where there are real discussions about other things other than kink.  Your goal is to build and community and make friends who are more than just kinks. You should not aim at getting a dominant immediately. 

Aim at connecting with individuals who you think are fun, interesting, and enjoyable to hang with or one you share common things. Once you have made a few friends, they will introduce you to others, and the circle will get bigger. As you become a part of the community and get accepted, you will have a higher probability of getting the attention of dominants already existing but do not approach any pretty person at their disposal. Among them, you may find the kind of a dominant you are searching for, of course, our experts will provide the best bdsm dating sites for you to find the kind of dominants. 


So these are the tips to help you find the real dominant of your dreams. It is not complicated and only comes down to connecting as human beings first and knowing each other’s likes and interests and letting the dom and sub kink follow after. Although it is not guaranteed and takes longer than online hookups, it offers you higher odds. Get first to understand your submissive needs and take time to have a genuine connection with others who love BDSM kind of relationships. This way, you will find a perfect dominant whose personality complements yours perfectly. 

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